Dear President and Commander-in-Chief of the armed forces in Zimbabwe, Cde Mugabe

I solemnly swear that I, Hosni Mubarak, write this last testament using my own hand to you, beloved Comrade Robert Mugabe. I want to begin by thanking you for standing by me in these tumultuous moments in my Egypt.

Things haven’t been too well for me of late. As you already know, I have tendered in my resignation and the military has taken over. Secondly, when I spoke to our brother, Laurent Ghagbo this afternoon before I resigned, he informed me he has your backing. Thanks for the support. Ben Ali would equally have wanted to extend his gratitude to you, but he could not get his call through to Zimbabwe. I suspect the Americans have already started jamming communication in your country.

Nonetheless, Cde Mugabe, things turned nasty over here. The uncultured youth continued with the demonstrations at Cairo’s Tahrir square. In the very beginning of this mayhem, we arrested the demonstrators, we tear gassed them, we tortured them, and we shot a few dead, but realized this wasn’t taking us anyway. Next plan to appease them, I thought I had to appoint a vice president, which I did, but they wanted me out! Unbelievable! But late Thursday night, I handed over power to the newly appointed vice president. The people still wanted me gone. Finally, with a sense of helplessness, Cde, I had to let go. However, mark the following words from yours truly.

Firstly, Cde. Raw-Butt be warned that your ship is sinking. Never at anytime undermine the people’s power. Your people are a fearful lot, but wheels of change are turning suddenly. You are known to have been more brutal than I was. Cde. Gbagbo is scared to hell as I write. He has been holed in the state palace for months now. He knows for sure he isn’t lasting long.

Ben Ali didn’t know what hit him, and I never suspected it was coming my way, until three weeks ago. Now Raw-Butt, you have been oppressing the people down south for close to thirty years. Be forewarned, those people are not imbeciles, very soon an uprising is going to surprise you. There are a few tips though. Take this earnest advice from yours truly. I strongly advise you to take an early exit, with dignity. Do not allow yourself to be overtaken by events.

Apparently, I am at odds with where to go next. According to our last meeting and your generous offer to give me asylum in Harare, I have a few reservations. Firstly, you have Cde. Mengesithu in your backyard. Secondly, your situation isn’t quite promising, so coming over would be a temporary solution. Mengesithu is better for I am sure he has established himself. I bet you need to secure a safe haven for yourself before it’s too late.

South Africa had offered me a place to rest momentarily, but they have Haiti’s exiled president Jean Bertrand Aristide. Uganda’s Museveni was equally offering temporary residence, but, with elections coming, I am not too sure if there is security around him. I have no choice but to depend on the Americans. At times I consider myself lucky, the Americans have been on my side, yet they worry me. Americans are not a lot to trust. One day they are your allies and the next they strike you below the belt. Raw-Butt Mugabe, you better re-check with the Chinese if they will still welcome you in case things turn nasty for you. Actually, it’s not a case of ‘if’, but ‘when’.

As I said above, the wheels of change are turning fast in Africa. Our brothers in Kenya are in equal shit. The Ocampo Six have managed to convince the government that they should be prosecuted at home and not at The Hague. I mention Kenya because their fate is not different from yours. Raw-Butt my compatriot, if the Zimbabweans do not evict you soon from State House, I don’t doubt The Hague prosecutor will miss you. That Ocampo man has terrorized Africa. He has his hands on Koni in Uganda, and this Lobondo guy and Bemba from Congo. Charlie Taylor has been a guest of the ICC for some time now. You are not too far from this line-up. Man, you are in deep stinking shit! Sorry, you advised me to mind my language.

Lastly, we misread Plato and Aristotle. Just a foretaste, grasp the following: Plato is regarded by many experts as the first writer of political philosophy, and Aristotle is recognized as the first political scientist. These two men were great thinkers and they each had ideas of how to improve existing societies during their lifetime.

 Essentially, what Plato wanted to create was a perfect society. In his book, The Republic, he intended to create a utopian society with a blueprint, a sketch of a society in which the problems he thought were present in his society would be eased out. Plato sought to solve the affliction of both human society and human personality. Aristotle, apparently, was not concerned with personally perfecting society; rather, as suggested in his book, The Politics, his concern was that the society itself should reach for the best possible system that could be attained.

Only if we read these men in context and transmute their thinking to this generation for the common good our nations, only if we had, then all this shame would not have befallen me, and would not befall you. It’s not a question of ‘if’ for you, as I said earlier, it’s ‘when’. Man, adios, I got to go.

Keep my words to yourself, but if you can communicate to Colonel Kaddafi and other fellow African leaders who have overstayed their welcome in their countries, please warn them. This being my last testament, I wish you all the best and be forewarned.