Apostle Langton Kanyati Matrimonial Hub
\nIn my previous article, I spoke about communication. Thank you all who sent various feedbacks in response to this article. Not only did I receive feedback regarding this article, but all the articles that I have written so far. But in these various responses, I deduced that in some cases, men think I am attacking them and their responses are harsh, yet in other articles women think that I am taking the side of men, resulting in furious responses. This, though, interests me and gives me the confidence that I am not taking sides, but, rather, that we are addressing issues affecting the marriage institution without favour.

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Some readers politely mention to me areas I should have tackled in that article. It is good for the readers to know that each article has a limit, so I cannot deal with all corners at the same time. But all the same, thank you indeed for writing in.

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This week, let us look at issues of conflicts and quarrels.
\nWhat causes conflicts and quarrels among you? Do they not spring from the aggressiveness of your bodily desires?

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“Your requests are not granted because you pray from wrong motives” ( James 4v1-3). These strong words were written to Christians many years ago, yet they are applicable today to many married couples.

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Many marriages are characterised by strife and bickering rather than peace and harmony.
\nCouples who have developed harmony are not those who are identical in thinking, behaviour and attitudes – they are not carbon copies of each other.

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They are the couples who have learned to take their differences through the process of acceptance, understanding and eventually complementarity.

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Differing from another person is very natural and normal. It adds an edge of excitement to a relationship.
\nThe fact that each person is unique and that what each brings to the marriage is unique, conflict will emerge. In fact, there will be numerous conflicts throughout the life of the marriage.

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This is not bad. This is normal.
\nHow you respond to the conflicts and deal with them is the real issue.

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Many couples endeavour to avoid conflict. They attempt to ignore or bury differences. They fail to realise, though, that when their differences are buried, they are buried alive and at some time will resurrect themselves. Some learn to deal with conflicts by suppressing them – try to forget them and sweep them under the carpet.

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Unfortunately, burying conflicts only builds resentment, which drains you of energy and taints your entire perception of daily life. Others deal with them by expressing their feelings unreservedly. These end up throwing verbal garbage, their computer memories are activated and total frustration is the end result.

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People in love are able to do a great deal of giving up and giving in because love creates a generous mood. Unresolved conflicts do not diminish but continue to grow. When couples find themselves in conflict, they usually have some need that is unfulfilled.
\nIn such cases, resolving the conflict may not solve the problem.

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It is better to look below the symptom and try to discover what need the person is striving to fulfil and resolve that rather than the symptom alone. By the way, conflict is inevitable between people who care about each other and want to develop a deeper relationship.

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Unresolved conflicts interfere with growth and satisfying relationships. Barriers are erected when conflicts are not resolved. Individuals tend to become defensive in order not to be hurt. A defensive reaction places a strain on any relationship.

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Conflict is like dynamite. It can be helpful if used the right way, but can also be destructive if used at the wrong time or in the wrong manner. Through conflict, a person can share his differences with another individual.

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Facing conflict is also a way of testing one’s own strength and resources. Each person in a conflict situation will bring one or more alternative choices to the discussion. These can be explored together and each can learn from the other. When the conflict is resolved, there can be growth on the part of both individuals.

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When as a couple you have great interest in the success of your marriage, resolving conflict must be important to you and your spouse.
\nYour relationship is strengthened when conflicts are resolved and needs are met on both sides.

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Remember, strong marriages are strong not because there are no conflicts, but because of the couples’ resolve to deal with issues.
\nYour response to disagreements must include a willingness to be patient in working out a solution.

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The willingness to exchange information, feelings and ideas with one another will lead to mutual understanding.
\nOur first idea about a problem will not always be the same as our latter understanding of it. As new ideas are expressed and the discussion develops, the issues may change. If you have gone through a broken marriage, God can reconstruct your life and either use you to help other people as a single or lead you to remarry.

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God can rebuild your life so that you will avoid making the same mistake that you have made in the past. We are in a materialistic, selfish generation.

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When you get two selfish people together you have war. They want to grab, they want to get and they want their own way. In fact, they demand it. Such people do not want to give in an inch. This is a result of pride.

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It is better to have harmony and peace than to get your own way because where there is strife and envy, there is confusion and every evil work. James 3 v 16 puts it this way, “For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing will be there.”

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Apostle Kanyati is the founder and president of Zoe Life Changing Ministries and Grace Unlimited Ministries. Email feedback at apostlelckanyati@zoelcm.org; WhatsApp:0772 987 844.