I am a 34-year-old man, married with one kid. My marriage, Mai Chisamba, has been a bag full of regrets, not meaning that my wife is the problem but I have been the trouble causer.

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I am not praising myself for doing bad things, I am trying to find ways to make things right but I am in the middle of nowhere.

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Ndotangira papi? I have not been faithful since I was married. I think I am realising it when it’s too late in my life. I have made a resolution this 2015 to make things right with my family and we are born-again Christians.

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There is one thing left amai, which is the issue of HIV testing and counselling. Ndoitangira papi because mukadzi nedzimwe hama varikuti tiite mumwe mwana?

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I am not sure about myself in terms of status zvekuti mukadzi pamwe akatobatira because I was pressurised to sleep with her after going for four years without sex.

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Now it is too late. Ndoita sei? Munoziva kuti every woman proves love through sex. I am not blaming my wife for the pressure but we should have gone through those procedures before reconciliation.

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I need your help.

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Response

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It’s very sad to hear you say that you have been unfaithful to your partner since you got married. Why marry in the first place?

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I don’t understand how people just tie the knot these days without having gone through pre-marital counselling. It’s a must to know what marriage means before you commit yourself.

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Do you know it’s against the law to deny your wife her conjugal rights for four years? It’s good to try and make things right asi handiko here kuyeuka bako watota kare?

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Congratulations!

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For having found Jesus because you now talk about being born again, it’s a major turning point. I don’t want to rub salt on old wounds because it won’t help.

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At this juncture I feel the best thing to do is to let your spouse know about your fears so that you can work together. If you can’t do it yourself rope in a professional counsellor who can work with you.

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Don’t be put under pressure nehama, go through testing before you have another child. You can go to any clinic or any New Start Centre nearest to you, the advantage is they will also give medical advice, which is very critical at this point.

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Try and relax as you seek to map the way forward, too much panic will raise your stress levels. Matakadya kare haanyaradze mwana all this could have been avoided had you been faithful to your wife.

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To you and to whoever may take this piece of advice there is no need for people to cheat on their spouses, muto wetsenza mumwe chete wakangofanana kwese kwese.

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It’s very unfortunate that you made your wife go through hell but the good news is it’s never too late to make things right. As a born again Christian I assume you know the power of prayer. I wish you all the best.

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***

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Maid is tearing us apart

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I am happily married, we have been blessed with two beautiful girls and we are comfortable. We both work.

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Mai Chisamba, I can’t make head from tail pane zviri kuitika. I have a good maid because she knows what is expected of her. Here and there she makes mistakes but we all do and I turn a blind eye to that.

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My maid goes off every Saturday and comes back on Sunday evening. Last week as we drove past my mother-in-law’s place, my husband suggested that we pass by and say hello.

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I got the shock of my life when I got there and my maid was busy preparing supper and my husband asked why she was there. My mother-in-law gave a strange justification kuti munotoda kuziva nekupikita off yake here?

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I did not say a word, it was my husband versus his mother. After this we left in a huff. The following day I spoke to my brother-in-law babamudiki vanogara naamai and he confirmed that for the past two months that’s what has been happening.

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Mai Chisamba, if all is well why didn’t the maid tell me? How did they come up with this secret arrangement and why my maid? Musikana uyu ndakanomutsvaga kumaruwa ndega. I feel betrayed, although, I still have the maid.

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I have lost the trust and respect I had for her. My husband is very upset and says ngatinomudzorera kumusha then amai can go and take her from there. Please help I am so confused.

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My father-in-law says he had warned amai against this but she didn’t take his advice.

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Response

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I love it when I receive letters from people who tell me that they are happily married – that’s what it should be.

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At times I fail to understand why families bring problems upon themselves. Anything done behind closed doors is perceived as betrayal and there are a lot of suspicions surrounding such activities.

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The maid is free to go wherever she wants when she is not on duty but why choose to go to gogo’s place without saying?

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There is a saying inoti the guilty are always afraid handizvo here izvi? Amai is a mature woman who should be helping in building and directing the family not kutoita punza punza.

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I understand your anger. If your mother-in-law wanted an extra hand during weekends she should have done it openly even if it meant giving the maid an extra something.

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With all due respect, amai owes you an apology, havana kuremekedza mhuri yemwana wavo, she has crossed the line.

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As family you need to bury the hatchet and move on. I think the idea of taking sisi back home and asking amai to go and fetch her from there is far-fetched. My advice is sit down together with both your in-laws, also rope in amai’s sister or brother.

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Discuss and find options that are suitable if need be and let each one of you pick whatever suits them. If you no longer have trust and respect for the maid why not relieve her of her duties, hazvifadze kushandirwa nemunhu wausingachavimba naye.

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Mind you, if she decides to work for your mother-in-law it means she is still in your family but at a different location, the effect may still be the same, food for thought. I deliberately asked you to rope in amai’s sibling so that parege kuzonzi ndakatukwa or so.

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From my observation it seems this issue is weighing heavily on amai because baba, her own husband had advised her against engaging your maid without your knowledge. Workers come and go but family relationships will stand until end of eternity.

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Don’t invite the maid to your meeting – it’s not worth it. Give this a trial and see how it goes. I wish you all the best.

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  • maichisamba@fbnet.co.zw or Whatsapp 0771415747.
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