BAR TALK with Bra Gee
Who am I?
There is no prize for guessing this one, but as usual Bra Gee gives a disclaimer for any names that you may come up with.
I have been fleecing people left and right for many years as I made out that I am someone important in the nation and the city. I owe a lot of people money and I used to threaten them with visits from men in dark glasses to get them off my case.
Civil society has always been my choice of feeding ground though I have links with the media through my own career and through connections with many players in there. I tried to get into politics but I backed the wrong horse at the most crucial time as known associate and fund-raiser for those whose names have come to be associated with West African seers.
Now I make myself out to be the closest ally of the highest ranking personages in the land even though everyone in the picture knows that I would never be invited to set foot in that august house which I claim to be as familiar with as the drunks are familiar with the way to the pub toilet. Now I am undone because of a chance meeting with a virago. I have acquired a new surname referring to artificial Polar Regions. Now all my countless creditors are crawling out of the woodwork to demand their pound of flesh.
Way to die #1007: Texted to death
There are mobile phone messages that should never exist, period. We have repeatedly asked in the sweet name of all that is adulterous why fornicators insist on being porn stars? As sure as warm lagers will make a Zimbabwean drinker sick but not affect most other Africans, clandestine love messages and pictures of organs on the phone will be discovered by the third angle of the triangle. Ask Mathias Mhere and his wife as well as all those others who have been there.
We are not giving you a licence to cheat on your partner because we know that you need no excuse to do so. All we are saying is if you must, then just do it and throw all the evidence in the nearest bin. Do not drag any of it around it on your phone, please we beg of you. For it will be found, and someone may just die.
Time for tea
If you have been dressed in certain robes for many years, it is understandable that once the robes have been removed, you will get angry and demand to have them back. For obviously after so many years under their cover, you will imagine that the robes are your rightful property and even the giver should have no right to remove them. And anyway, if you wore those robes since they were new then they cannot really be borrowed after all and are naturally yours until your term on earth expires, you presume. Such is the cognitive cogitation of former buffalo bulls who are now nobodies and have decided to go to court to demand their repossessed robes back.
Unfortunately, life does not quite work that way and running around like headless chickens claiming that you “was robbed” will not change anything. It is like trying Cuthbert Dube to mute our call for his ouster by insisting that he is good for ZIFA while the association loses house and turf under his watch. We recommend that you make time to have tea with a former enemy now possible ally (he of the pock-marked face) and find out just what you can hope to gain out of the tired tune.
We could tell you that the answer is nothing, of course, but you will not believe us. So go ahead, start a new cloak and dagger partnership as a way of dealing with the abundant time suddenly on your hands while you obviously have no clue as to how you can venture forth without the repossessed robes.
Face-off Facebook tyrants
There are some Facebook characters that have created themselves thrones of terror from which they terrorise any importune people who dare cross their paths. These characters may use their own names or anonymous avatars but they are all the same. They do not hesitate to unleash a string of revolting profanities once they have a target to bash.
They come across as being invincible and in most cases their cyber bullying targets often retreat in timid silence or indulge in the most revolting form of bootlicking to avoid further abuse. Well, let them do that to wimps without a backbone in their skeleton. If any should try it with some of the regulars that we know, we promise that Facebook, Twitter or any other platform will not save their teeth.
Internet security measure for fools #17: Exercising your right to dhomocracy (verbal diarrhoea released by the gormless in the name of freedom of speech) online will one day be met with the rule of fist-o-cracy in real life!
Ministry of thieves
Now we know why the Government is always broke in spite of all those taxes that we pay; no, it is not all because of those huge piles collected and retained by ZRP and ZINARA but daylight robbery in the ministry that oversees the national wallet. No wonder why the pay date of the civil servants may soon be the 40th of each month. If the ministry that is meant to be looking after our money is peopled by gangs of thieves that have worked out institutional systems to milk the State, then how can it have money? If the light has been shed on almost a million bucks siphoned off in broad daylight, one shudders at the size of skeletons still rattling in the closets.
The haves and the have-nots
We at the usual place understand that men are from Mars and women from Venus, to steal the words from those who can say it better. So we understand why the female MPs are regularly obliged to produce sanitary-wear in the august House so that their male counterparts can appreciate the enormity of the monthly cycle formerly known as “the curse”. We have absolutely no problem with this and urge the MPs to go one step further and take these obtuse males on trips to all those places where the poor girls use leaves and cow dung.
But when female MPs without husbands start urging all women to say no to the primary reason for marriage on this day, then we believe they are really serious about the economic empowerment of women marginalised through stigma.
All the sisters who sell intangible goods at the usual place are praying that many women will heed the advice of the MP. These sisters reckon that if the boycott comes into effect they will have a good day in the office and urge all female MPs to regularly call for this injunction whenever they feel that women’s rights are under threat. According to them, this is the only way to ensure women’s equality as the gap between those with a man to officially call their very own and those without will be steadily narrowed.
Last call: We did not say this!
Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys drinking alcohol and watching a football game! — source: jokes4us.com
Till next week, bottoms up
Facebook: Bra Gee. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org. Twitter: @brageesbar