BAR TALK with Bra Gee
Multiple the trouble
For those of us with only one significant other, spouse or partner by whatever other designation, this weekend is bad enough.
It is no use telling that significant other that we should not waste precious resources buying silly things to perpetuate a culture started by some barely known guy who went into inexplicable paroxysms of rhapsody over the mere mating of birds! Not that there is even any definite evidence to support this popular version of how the whole gig started.
But try telling that to someone who expects good drink money to be wasted on flowers that will wilt in three days and a box of chocolates that will mar the complexion thereby need a shovelful more of gunk to cover it up than usually applied to the face.
But this is not the story as we all know that the money must be found or there will be no er, you-know-what for some days to come.
The point is to gleefully laugh at those with a more than one partner to please.
Imagine what one Robert Gumbura had to cough up on this day before he mercifully escaped to become a guest of the State! But at least the fellow had the dosh for it, unlike the poor beggars who seem to like lining up partners without the requisite wealth to meet their needs. What to do? Buy them all the same laughable present of artificial rose and a tiny teddy bear in a coffee mug?
A regular patron at the usual place with more partners than shirts assures us that there is only one who matters so she gets the real present and dinner while the fake roses and five minutes of his life is enough for all side dishes.
So if you are competing for love, watch how he shares his money and his time and you will know who the winner is.
If you are the loser we advise you to cast your rod back into the ocean, even if there are more fishing rods than unhooked fish.
Gold vein blocked
We are really sorry for our sister who thought that she had it made. What else can you ask for from life when you have a filthy rich guy with zero taste who goes totally bonkers at being smiled upon by a sophisticated woman instead of the country cousins that he is used to?
The guy is so besotted that when everyone including Bra Gee warns him that he cannot play in the premier league without soccer boots, he will not listen.
He goes on to change his whole life to suit the taste of his new found angel, even when we warn him that the horns and the tail are clearly visible to everyone else.
Sister, all that you needed to do was to keep a low profile for a while longer, but no.
You had to go and show your true colours and soon enough you were shown the door. But you still thought that the rich gold vein that you had struck would continue to run undisturbed.
In fact thing would be better. With over $7 000 a month you could have the life without the bother of being nice to this rich bumpkin by enduring his tiny Mopani worm during the serious business.
But it looks like you have finally realised that you are not as clever as you thought. So you have to make do with a measly $450 a month, which is a lot more than most other women are getting for child maintenance but a mere pittance for you, we are sure. Too bad that your reputation has been shredded and you might not find it easy to land another gullible rich fool.
We are in another period when we see the compilation of meaningless lists.
Year in and year out, the uninitiated rush to submit their names then foolishly start building castles in the sand once they get confirmation that they have been added to the lists.
Of course we are not talking about the lists of all those who cannot keep their pants on in Harare.
By the way, those lists have mutated and grown with subdivisions like you would never believe. Of special note is the media list that seems to place the majority of ever ready panty droppers squarely at one radio station. This is an achievement considering that the industry is filled with such, we hear. Is it something in the air, we wonder?
But that is not the issue. What we are talking about are the preferred suppliersâ lists.
Each year we see the same organisations asking for companies to forward their profiles for registration to supply everything under the sun in the coming months.
But those in the know say that for most this is just an empty form of window dressing as the preferred suppliers are already there and as sure as alcohol will quickly disappear down our throats, it is only those suppliers will get any actual business.
It is no coincidence that the said suppliers will normally be the spouses, cousins and lovers of the decision makers at those organisations.
We also hear that this system is rife everywhere, but reaches pandemic levels among the self-proclaimed bastions of transparency, democracy and accountability who for some unfathomable reason are called civil society. Unfathomable because in this country they represent the interests of a few individuals even though they always claim a huge constituency.
Even if we elect to be particularly obtuse and pretend that the civil part of that appellation has something to do with demeanour, most of these people would never qualify.
He is one of those musicians who are more famous for being famous rather than any actual musical prowess. You know the kind that we are talking about, who seem to get more media attention than that warranted by their meagre efforts. But the truth will come out.
That time he made the headlines for stealing money meant to aid the bereaved family in their attempts to ensure the comfort of strangers, distant relatives and hangers-on after the departure of their loved one.
Then there was a non-event when he said he was quitting the music scene for other pastures.
We wished him well and applauded him for finally realising that this a road that many wannabes have fallen on the wayside of long before him.
Then he foolishly says he is coming back, when 100 percent better musicians are saying that goings are really tricky in the industry right now.
Then he stages a show where his few fans pay two dollars to get into. What does he do?
He beats up a fan and ends up with a fine ticket that gobbles almost all the compounded two dollar levies that have come up! Will someone please tell this First idiot to get Far out of our faces for good?
Last call: The helpful wife
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: Whatâs the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 90 in a 60 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 70.
Wife: Oh Tendai. You were doing 120.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: Iâm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didnât know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Tendai, youâve known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: Iâm also going to give you another for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Tendai, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Maâam, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when heâs drunk.
Till next week, bottoms up!
Email: brageesbar@gmail, Facebook: Bra Gee, Twitter: @brageesbar