BAR TALK: School fees, January bonuses and unusual sex appetite

    Madzibaba Ishmael . . . I was not aware that the police were looking for me

    Madzibaba Ishmael . . . I was not aware that the police were looking for me

    Festive bling
    Over the festive period, the social media was abuzz with pictures of how colleagues were enjoying the break, feasting and of course drinking their hearts out as if to burn out the stress they were bottling over the past 365 days.

    It was all in the spirit of Yuletide.

    Some were actually doing it in style locally and abroad and for those who could afford, it made some of us green with envy and our solace was that we will make do with what we have. No stress.

    During the past week however, we were anticipating to see almost similar posts either of parents in banking halls paying school fees, buying stationery or uniforms for their children. Needless to say nonesuch events were captured. And we will not go into details over the decline in attendance at the usual place presumably so because the annual shut down has come to a close. Better luck over the forthcoming Valentine’s and Easter holidays.

    Bonus frenzy

    The only group of people who entered 2015 in style are those that make the largest number of the civil service, yes I mean those who belong to one of the noblest professions (in our time) who started getting their promised 13th cheques early this week.

    No doubt the teachers’ threats to down their chalk dusters come the opening of schools seems to have worked wonders as the exchequer visited their banks and sadly for some of us our expectations of meeting and drinking off them may not materialise after all as they are likely to have lost the festive spirit and besides some of them like most of us have to make sure that the little brats are sent back to school.

    Just as the doctor ordered, the January disease cure was timely for the educators and we wish them well in their long drawn war to ensure that the profession regains its long lost glamour as the most respectable and exemplary in our midst.

    Madzibaba caught at last

    So the “long arm of the law” has finally caught up with Madzibaba Ishmael who hit the headlines last year for the way his followers gave a hiding to a group of policemen and journalists who were accused of disrespecting and threatening to close his Sowe in Budiriro.

    Some interesting revelations came out however as Madzibaba maintained that he was not aware that the police were after him for more than eight months.

    After all he was at his home in Murehwa from where he was picked up.

    His defence: “I was not aware that the police were looking for me!” How grand.

    The man of God maintains that his religion does not allow him and his followers to use cellphones, watch TV, listen to the radio or read newspapers.

    In other words, he said, if they wanted him they could have just come to Murehwa and they would have got him without wasting any resources like they did in every nook and cranny.

    And he denies all the charges as he wallows at the Remand Prison as he claims he was nowhere near the shrine when the fighting incident occurred and the police announced that he was on the run. Some speculated that he had jumped the border and settled down South. We anxiously await the outcome of the trial over violation of the Public Violence and Child Protection Act. We will keep you posted.

    No more please

    We could not help this Zambian delight where a woman went to court seeking a divorce from her hubby of six years who has an abnormal sex appetite and was seeking the court’s help to free her years of bondage as she had to endure seven hours of sex every night. Inspired by traditional sexual enhancing drugs, the woman pleaded with the court that she did not enjoy the sex as she was being bruised and could not take it anymore.

    “When we start making love at 11 pm, he will only break off at around 3 am to drink water and then resume until 7 in the morning when he has to start preparing for work. Sometimes he won’t stop even when our children have woken up since we sleep in the same room,” the woman said.

    This stud would certainly have taken the award for husband of the year only if it was consensual but clearly the woman was in pain and looked at the law as her only salvation.

    We are not so sure of the concoction, but certainly a number of locals would like to sample the brew and patent it as the business seems to be booming in many corners.


    Why didn’t the bartender serve the snake? — Because he couldn’t hold his beer.


    What did the Bartender say when two jumper cables walk into a bar. — You guys better not start anything in here.


    A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve poultry!” The chicken says “That’s OK I just want a drink.”

    Till next week, bottoms up!

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