BAR TALK: Bra Gee 2014 Awards
With Bra Gee
Most innovative ever development
Could this be the Facebook and WhatsApp bundles? We agree that those have helped vain wannabes post useless selfies and opinions every day.
But the best ever innovation does not belong to this year. It remains the ability to reinvent virginity in 35-year-old veterans of six abortions so that they can walk up the altar of a Pentecostal church with a gauzy veil obscuring their wise eyes.
A lot of white weddings would never take place if it was not for this great innovation. A lot of men would not have a single thing to brag about in their miserable lives.
At least this way they can believe that the spouse is not in a position to compare the Mopani worm to the giant pythons hungrily roaming the earth.
The Miss Zimbabwe debacle cannot go unmentioned. First of all we have a queen who resigns for reasons unstated but rumours say that she now qualifies to go to Big Brother, like Pokello.
Then a new queen is picked up ahead of the first and second princess who we are told are happy as handmaidens and harbour no ambitions to become queens.
Odd that, because it suggests that they did not go into the competition with the intention of winning, only of getting to runner-ups. Anyway the new hand picked queen then decides that she will go it alone after failing to live under the autocracy that raised her in the first place.
Then she is fired and one of the handmaiden finally steps up and embarrasses us at the world pageant. Well, for Bra Gee and the regulars all the drama has been for nothing because none of the girls is anywhere near star material anyway. So they might as well do away with the competition if the really beautiful girls are not stepping onto their platform.
We always knew that the mega salary chefs would walk away with a slap on the wrist and that most of them would continue getting their huge and unearned salaries.
It is not really a surprise that only one or two token sacrifices were made while the rest of the thieving lot is still guffawing all the way to the bank. We are not surprised that the high profile arrests fizzled into nothing.
We would have liked to see a new face at the City of Harare clerical helm and other places, but it was always a pipe dream, just like imagining that one day we will have water in our taps all day all week all month, uninterrupted power supplies and ordinary urban roads that do not damage your ex-Jap the day it arrives in the country. And we always knew that Dudu was not going back to the lock-up. But as we said, we expected all that so it is of no great importance.
Family of the year
Could it be the Tukus and the complex emotions he seems to incite in all those close to him allegedly caused by his roving eye which may only have rested due to old age?
We mean a wife who threatens to shoot you and a daughter who openly says you are full of the brown stuff? Sheesh!
That is no barrel of laughs we agree. But in our judgment based on drama and comedy value, the prize has to go to the Machesos. No contest.
First of all we have that divorce that left us all riveted as we heard how the piece that has allegedly been laid bare for Petunia, Madhawu and whoever is nothing but a tiny wriggly worm. Then the seemingly unsettled question of paternity and the maintenance wars.
Then there was the wedding which seemed to suffer from much money and little taste. But the cake goes to the ill-fated marriage proper as the bride and groom described each other’s behaviour as only proper for inmates of mental asylums.
Those are the bits that got into the public arena and we shall forego mentioning the other scandalous affairs of this family.
If you did not hear about THAT one, then that is your problem and not ours. Get better informed drinking mates (vanemakuhwa) in the New Year.
We all know those supposedly big fish who got stuff auctioned for failing to pay debts.
Some lost farm equipment, others lost kitchen chairs and others even lost their underwear. But you must agree that Mr Morgan Tsvangirai takes the cup in this category. Remember this man who paid 000 for a bride he was not sure about.
Remember how Locadia may or may not have been pregnant with the twin foetuses who conveniently disappeared once she got in the kitchen but unfortunately before Morgan had put a ring on the finger?
Then he went on to give her a reportedly handsome alimony lump sum so that he could be free to live with Elizabeth, the other woman that he had also by then paid a handsome lobola for.
All this after treating one Nonsi to a high flying life. But now he has become a pauper who has to rely on well-wishers to settle his less than 000 hospital bill.
Meanwhile we hear that his farm is no longer even suitable for a weekend braai resort seeing as all the livestock has been sold off.
And we hear that things were so bad that the funds for the party from our taxes were shared with huge chunks going to the leader and his lady wife, while the provinces had to make do with a mere pittance each. Fie!
Miracle of the year
Some of you will be going back to the enlarged manhood that conveniently disappeared to Botswana or the HIV treatment that has not reduced the number of people needing ARVs bought by money taxed from you and me.
You might be thinking of all those whose automatic prosperity brought on by repackaged olive oil has not changed the economic status of the country. Or maybe you think of all the couples whose marriages have been saved yet the exposes of cheating spouses and the divorce rates have shown no decline. So we are sure that you will join us in giving the cup of the miracle of the year to one mupostori in absentia.
Madzibaba Ishmea managed to vanish into the blue in spite of every cop and journalist in the country being allegedly after his blood. Now if that is not a true miracle, then what is?
Zim Dancehall hooligan of the year
You will agree that there is the hardest one of all seeing there are so many entries. Definitely Soul Jah Love is a contender with his filthy mouth that needs to be washed with carbolic soap and a wire brush.
Maybe Bounty Lisa tells her hubby that being vulgar is the mark of a man and that is why she loves him, we do not know.
But to us it simply shows that he is an immature and egotistic boy inside the body of a young man and unless he grows up fast, he is going to find himself just another drugged up idiot bragging about how he used to be so big, when all that size is only in his mind.
Then of course there is Tocky Vibes drunk on his five minutes of fame and acting big-headed and all that. If that is not mere crassness and distinct lack of class, then it must be just sheer stupidity wrapped in an inflated ego.
But they all pale in comparison to the one and only Lady Squanda. She wins the cup for beating up Lipsy and that revolting song about what comes out the other end after you have eaten a whole load of guavas.
Did someone lie to her that the inclusion of the word lady in her stage name imbues her with the qualities worth the name?
We hope 2015 will teach her that the title is earned, not self-administered like mbanje.
Till next year, bottoms up!
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