Marriage is fascinating
Marriage is a fascinating relationship with so many permutations. In it is a cluster of expectations by the spouses and by those who think they are responsible for the marriage. Did you know that there are some people within your circles who think they are concerned and responsible for your relationship?
Relationships: Kilton Moyo
Sometimes they make sense but at times they don’t. That is not my line of interest today. Today I want to show you that marriage is many relationships in one relationship.
Our understanding of this helps us to make marriage work better. Remember that marriage is relational and we are responsible for making all the relationships work so we build marriage. One of the marriage gurus, Joyce Hugget, talks about the following permutations which are of interest to me:
A loving relationship
Marriage is based on a relationship of love based on mutual attraction. This relationship forms when you get attracted to your spouse and there are many things that lead to this attraction. I normally say that it is important to keep remembering the things that attracted you in your spouse.
Doing so keeps your levels of attraction alive. This love relationship is also based on shared values. This is important. You married or developed a relationship because you shared some key values. You had this chemistry on many issues and you decided to build a relationship.
Couples, who overcome, are the ones who keep these shared values, shared and alive. The moment you begin to differ on these, you can pull apart. Your love for each other is influenced by these and then it influences your relationship. Love is foundational. You loved each other first.
A sexual relationship
A sexual relationship is mostly based on physical attraction and shared physical satisfaction. You are married because you sexually attracted and attract each other. You cannot take away sexual attraction from your marriage and still hope to remain married.
The foundational thing is to keep attracted and satisfying each other physically. Are you pleased with your spouse’s physical appearance? Is your spouse still stimulating you by merely looking at them? Once this attraction dies down, something is not right. Your sexual emotions must always heat up when you look at each other.
A biological relationship
Marriage is a biological relationship that leads to the birth of children and of course to their nurturing. I mean all of us including our friends and relatives are expectant of seeing children the moment we get married. In other cultures they begin to be concerned if children are not forth coming.
A social relationship
The marriage relationship involves so many networks of social connections. It involves your families and your friends and relatives. It also involves community contacts. It involves your local church contacts and networks and above all it involves the Godhead.
You see marriage is based on so wide a social network and sometimes the knowledge of this helps us in building our marriages. At what point do you involve these networks?
At what point do you suspend these so you can be you? Some of these networks could be poison if not careful but the issue here is that marriage is a social relationship and you cannot wish all these networks away.
An economic relationship
Marriage is not just a coming together of bodies. It is a sharing of all and your economic worth is important here. Your marital home is your first economic asset and then there is a sharing of all your possessions.
The two of you bring together all your possessions into one economic house. You will agree with me that many of us in our African setup struggle with this aspect of our relationships. Women are encouraged to leave behind what they worked for and acquired.
Whether this is good or not, it’s not my argument today, but I need you to know that in marriage we share our possessions. We share our income. Many have faltered here and have hurt each other. I do not understand what the struggle is.
Maybe it is transitioning from an independent mindset of singleness to a marital community mindset. Did you know that this failure of sharing income has contributed to over 50% in the divorce rate?
A spiritual relationship
Marriage is a spiritual entity. Human life is a spiritual thing and can only be successfully done spiritually. Marriage comes from God, who is a Spirit and is about God too.
Marriage is a relationship between a husband and a wife, who are also spiritual beings because they are in the image of God who is a spirit. We cannot ignore this important realm of our beings and expect to succeed in all our relationships. To keep this realm alive, we need, therefore, to stay connected with God through Jesus Christ who is our way, truth and life.
Complex as this web of relationships is, it must last a lifetime. If you want to build a marriage please understand these dynamics. This will have to last throughout your joint lives. Every day you are working through these relationships to build your marriage.
As I said, marriage is fascinating. It is not complex, but fascinating and exciting. Enjoy your marriage.
Follow us on all our media channels and call us or write to us. You can also read our book Marriage Fitness. At Fruitful Marriages we offer you very sound, practical, relevant and restoring coaching and counseling on marriage. We are available seven days a week. Invite us or attend our meetings.
Kilton Moyo is creator of Fruitful Marriages, a renewal and enrichment programme and is pastor, counsellor and author of Marriage Fitness. Call or whatsapp on +263 775 337 207, +263 772 610 103 or kilton.citizenafrica@consultant.